It took me 40 years to get where I wanted to be in life.
At 40 I had quit smoking for a few years already and had been going to the gym 5 days a week.
on top of working 40 hours a week and doing normal household up keep with the yard, I ran religiously everyday 10 miles or more.
my health skyrocketed to perfect numbers on yearly health screenings per work and everything including my ms was aligned.
I remember my 40th birthday, toasting with my father and telling him how grateful I was for my health and how amazing I felt “the best I felt in 40 years” I told him.
Then right before my 41st birthday it all had changed. My multiple sclerosis had attacked me from every angle taking all I was proud of, all I had worked for as if it had never been there before, as if it had never existed.
I had to face the facts that I could not work any more at a job I was proud to have and proud to be at everyday.
I had to face the facts that my muscles were weakening and there would be nothing to do for them at the time.
My thoughts couldn’t be explained cause my mind had no idea of what was happening, I could not explain my pain, my problems, my concerns to anyone. I could try but would forget what I was talking about and was hard to understand me talking at fast speeds while slurring and stuttering getting me no where.
My vision got blurry and doubled,
giving me 24 hour migraines for close to two years, my hearing was so sensitive a light swith clicking could be compared to my ear on a piece of engaged dynamite.
I would sit in a corner all day in the dark cuddled in a ball crying not knowing what to do or what to expect would happen next.
The march for normalcy
I will not go down as a defeated man.
I will never give up when I need to fight.
Compromise and scars are not lessons. They are reminders of pain ,of long hard fights, fights not won but that must be faced whenever they want a challenge.
I am one man, one diseased man.
With this disease that is trying to disable me every minute of everyday.
Although the above is true this does not mean I am unable.
My abilities to fight my disabilities along with the true will of wanting my life that was taking without permission from me back, will never quit and never back down.
Trapped in a body that won’t move attached to mind that can’t stop opens the doorway for many demons to enter my once safe home, my once safe life.
There is no safety net, no for sure way out, no answers to a thing.
Except for this one thing that I can promise to my self.
I will never back down no matter how many times and no matter how many exasperations I must face.
And never will I accept defeat while trying to live a simple life, one of peace.
Bladder and bowel issues are so spontaneous.
Never knowing when you are going to lose control or have such frequency you can’t leave the restroom for hours makes a hard day.
The pain of constant urgency is indescribably excruciating. Mentally you are all ready to go but physically your body is fighting and creating both the urge to go and not to go at the same time.
At night the pain will keep you up as well as the sense of urgency to go will also.
Daytime the pain will wear you down draining all of your energy. The frequency of running to the restroom finding a restroom on time and not having a accident will shy you away from wanting to be in public or around anyone.
Yesterday was a great day Deb and I went to the rec center for the first time in over a year.
I got some valuable walk time In and some weights as well.
The day proceeded to be product ful by going to the Holistic Halo Salt therapy.
Although my body was tired I did not experience fatigue throughout the day.
Overall it was a great day with my beautiful best friend and wife.
I love the life I’ve built
with my wife our soul
our friends and family our heart
our life so simple, yet so strong
what did I do to have this thorn in my side trying to destroy everything of mine?
you cause me to stay awake at night instead of holding my wife’s hand in security as we sleep.
you cause chaos and panic through the night, when it was once a time to relax and not worry.
Now I have no independence as I am being held captive by my own body.
not knowing what I did to deserve this, how it came into my life. Not knowing what to do to fix it, or where it’s next step will lead my life.
I don’t hate my life I am more then grateful for it.
I do know that I hate and loathe this disease that affects such a beautiful life, trying to bring it down and destroy it every minute of everyday.
Getting exhausted from feeling better then usual.
My body reacting in laughter and mild excitment from having less pain the usual leads to complete drainage of my energy
not having these feelings often, they wear down your body faster then any daily pain at its highest number.
To be teased by your health is cruel enough, to be damned from your laughter is unorthodox anarchy.
fatigue is a hard symptom to live with.
it brings on full muscular and skeletal pain on every inch of your body.
Beating you down within minutes upon its arival you can never be prepared for it.
once it arrives it takes all of your strength instantly creating it’s all over pain.
all we can do is sleep to regain a small amount of what it has taken from us.
sleep isn’t “I’ll sleep later to feel better”
sleep is “sleep now” wherever you are “sleep” is a disguised word for body shut down which there is no control over at all.
fatigue takes days to get over, praying that you don’t have another flare while being at the end of just having one.
these days of getting over a flare include nothing but sleep. even going to the bathroom is a chore and drains the bit of energy we gain that day. causing us to need more sleep to not only gain strength to move but also to gain and re gain energy faster then we use it which is hard when every ounce we use is 10 times less effective then those who haven’t got this disease.
This week has been challenging for me although I had a few new regimes added in to help me it still held quite a challenge on my health.
My bladder has been inconsistent and causing pain and much discomfort.
causing me to be at its call and having to cancel some very needed therapies.
Also the weather change crippled me for a few days with detramental muscle and bone pain.
again leaving me at its mercy laid up on the couch with my stimulus machine and having to cancel much needed therapies.
I believe I am finally over the hump seeing that today I was able to go get my needling done to help aleveate the pain in both my calves.
Today was a very intense needling today. we found many pressure points in which Dr.cara disbursed and very tight muscle which after being manipulated finally released.
This is such a incredible tactic to have and know how to help pain I can never explain the gratitude I have for finding Dr.cara on my journey for better health.